"Mama, you are Fat"
Warning: this is a blog in which you are witness to my own internal process. This may be triggering to some of you. If so, I apologize.
Tonight, my sweet, adorable, beloved child called me fat. Yep. When I asked him why he said that now, while I was sitting in the hot tub in my bathing suit, he replied: “because your body looks fat everywhere”. Very matter-of-factly. No judgment. Just five-year-old observation.
Full disclosure, in my eating disorder, this would have been my worst fear come true (or what I thought was my worst fear. More on that later). And let’s be honest, my body does have a good amount of fat everywhere. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t have a child to tell me so. My breasts and belly must look enormous from his vantage point. Kind of comical really if I think about it from his perspective.
Luckily, my first impulse was to use this as a teaching moment. I told him “you know that fat isn’t bad right? It’s a good thing that we all come in different shapes and sizes. One isn’t better than another”. He agreed. Then I felt the need to go on to say, “but when you call someone fat in today’s world, they might get their feelings hurt because they might think it’s bad to be fat”. I instructed him not to make comments on people’s bodies regardless of size.
Unfortunately, my second impulse was to seek reassurance. I hate that that’s where my mind went. But I immediately needed to reassure myself. If I’m fat, then at least I’m pretty right? If I’m fat, I am still fit, right? And if I am fat, I am not “overly-fat” right?
Ugh. How irritating that my mind went there. But how could it not? Yes, I am an eating disorder specialist. Yes, I am a recovered woman. But I am also a human that lives in this tainted culture of fat-shaming and weight discrimination. I work hard every day to fight the bombardment of cultural stigma, which literally brainwashes all of us to some extent. I have spent many years in recovery coming to greater and greater peace with myself and my weight. I would love to say I have no bias. Yet, of course, I do. It has been drilled into me over four decades as we are literally flooded with non-stop messages of what type of body is right and what body is wrong.
The Dangers of Bias
I consider myself HAES-aligned and despite creating meal plans, a “non-diet” dietitian. However, I am not in favor of abusing any of these principles in order to justify betraying our bodies through rebellion or lack of self-care. I don’t agree with under or over-consumption on a regular basis or overly sedentary or overly active lifestyles. I am still aligned with self-care as the main premise, which, I acknowledge looks different for everyone. When I witness weight on either extreme side of the spectrum, and function is affected, I do make the assumption that something is wrong. But I do not assume it’s characterological. I do not assume it’s “your fault”. I also recognize that in spite of self-care, all bodies look different and grow old differently. Many will get sick despite the best efforts. Personal responsibility is a thing, and then, there is a line, where it is not.
I know that my clients look at my body and also make their own judgments. To some, there is safety in my less-than-tiny size. It allows them to trust that I must be eating enough and practicing what I preach. There’s also safety in knowing that if I am okay with my body, they are allowed to be okay with theirs. But then, of course, there’s the other side of the coin. Those clients that fear that they will be as big as me if they eat normally. It’s literally the elephant in the dietitian’s room that deserves to be talked about.
Smaller versus Larger Fat People, Thin Privilege & Labels
I also quickly wanted to affirm that though my body certainly has a good amount of fat on it, I would not be the poster girl for the fat acceptance movement. I have thin privilege. I can wear standard clothing sizes, fit through turnstiles, attend any theme park without worry, buy one ticket when I fly, and eat what I want without fat-shaming sneers or comments. I have to say, I find it irritating to see so many smaller-sized women on social media taking photos of their bodies sitting in just the right way so that a small roll forms on their stomach with a caption on fat acceptance. Listen, I get it. I was in my 20’s and 30’s that woman, and to some degree I still am. I felt fat and wanted to celebrate my perceived fat rolls in an attempt to get closer to body acceptance. However, this experience of feeling fat, though remarkably painful, is not the same as actually being fat. I feel that these posts further marginalize a community of people who truly live life in larger bodies and face the discrimination of what comes with that on a daily basis.
With the fat acceptance movement have come different labels, many of which I am still learning. Smaller fat versus Super Fat for example. I understand that embracing a label can be tremendously empowering. Stating that “I am fat” is ownership. Like stating “I am gay”, it takes great courage to come out and speak the truth. There may be no other way to fully practice self-acceptance than through the use of such labels. However, I have to say, I struggle with this.
I also see it as a continuous identification with the body—perpetuating the external focus versus taking identity deeper. As irritated as I am with the social media posts I mentioned earlier, I am exhausted by the number of bodies I see on social media daily. Exposure to barely dressed bodies in all different shapes, colors, and sizes can have its benefit but the sheer extent to which we are inundated with these images to me just reflects our obsessions with body. What about the other aspects of our beings? Perhaps we need this first to level the playing field for all folks before we can take a deeper plunge. But I AM not my body. Labeling myself as “little fat” for example, would feel like another box to fit into. It feels minimizing to the essence of all that I actually am as a human. But perhaps that’s because I am not the larger person being discriminated against.
What I Thought Was My Worst Fear
So, what do we really fear when we fear fat? Isn’t it of being discriminated against? Being ostracized? Of being judged as unacceptable? Of failing? Because let’s face it, people living in larger bodies are often viewed as having failed themselves in some way. For me, it boils down to fear of not being good enough. We all have it to some extent. My eating disorder tried to protect me by keeping it all so “well managed”.
The bottom line in my mind tonight is this, whatever the size or shape, color, or even ability of your body, why should one type be better than another? We are not our bodies after all. They are interesting, diverse vessels that carry us through this experience called life. They allow us to feel and sense endless possibilities and yet, we waste so much time on judging, perfecting, critiquing, harming, and questioning our bodies. Despite all that has been said, I also know that being called fat activates the inner critic or ED voice if you happen to have one of those. The quick remedy? Surrender. Tonight, I surrender to a power greater than myself the fear that I am not “good enough”. I surrender that fear and encourage you to do the same. Ask for help to fight your inner critic (and those outer ones too) and move on.
As you can tell this has brought up a lot of thoughts and questions for me. I know I am not alone in this. So, I ask you…. are you fat? Are you comfortable or even proud of being fat? Are you afraid of being fat? Do you judge those that are fat? What does fat even mean?
I want to get a conversation going with you about this topic. But I am not looking for reassurance or confirmation of my body size. That would only please or harm my ego and perpetuate a broken, dysfunctional system.
Oh, and I should mention I really like my body.